Sheila Dunne

‘Of course I remember her! She was the pale, tall girl from neighborhood. Sheila was her name, wasn’t? She was wearing a school bag even in weekends or over summer holiday. I even asked her once:’What are you carrying in that bag?’ I think she was crazy, because she said laughing, that is her dead pet “Mindyourfuckingbusiness”. Then I asked her, weeks after, if she’s still keeping “Mindyourfuckingbusiness” in her bag and she said that the pet is out long time ago… “out fucking with curious people!”.Then she laughed again. I didn’t get it at that time. Now I know- she must have really suffered from that loss’. (Stalker Neighbor, Dublin, 2005)

‘You mean Sheila? I liked her from day one of Secondary. She was my best friend. I mean, she thought me a lot of bad things, such as drinking and wearing make up. I was a boring human being until I met Sheila. Plus she dared to do things I wouldn’t. Sure, technically I was an orphan, I was raised with solid communist lessons, what could you expect from me? I was jealous of how she had that way, of skipping classes and still be on top of everything. She  was constantly nervous, jumpy, agitated and an awful lot of times she was tiring me. Every-time she told me “Let’s do something new!’, I would end up getting into a lot of trouble home and at school. She wouldn’t get bothered and make up a whole fiction story that would get both of us out of shit. One day, we were out in the park drinking for like 7 or 8 hours…can’t even remember. When we got back, everyone at home knew I wasn’t at school for the day. So there she is, starting vomiting, you would swear she was dying, telling my grandparents I was minding her for the whole day. The other time she have covered me to go to a rock party with my boyfriend – she arranged a sleepover, and I have no idea what she have told to her family, but they all knew she had a sleepover into my place! It’s funny enough to say, but she was a responsible drinker. I  would easily get high and act stupid – but she was following her rule – no sex, no overdose, not leaving with guys away from the group. In this matter, I got carried away more easily and few times she had to slap me really bad to make me come to senses and stop me making a stupid error.

I loved Sheila, her smile and cold clear eyes, her jokes and our hours of planning fun and life. Years I believed she was perfect, and we will be forever young, together and happy! Until that day! I never got that happened, but she was crying for hours. I think she  tried to kill herself, and I didn’t understand why. She wouldn’t eat or drink, she wouldn’t sleep or smile – I got to hate her apathy and constant focus only on school. I didn’t love that Sheila – a boring ghost with headsets on, it was like strange voices washed her brain. I tried to find out what’s going on, and I didn’t… until one day, when she came over with a bottle of Vodka, asking me to sneak out of school. And our happy days started again… and I no longer cared to know ’bout her insanity escape.’ (Kate, Dublin, Academic year 2005-2006).

The Dominator II

Ecio was calm. Around him there were always noisy boring girls, women… underage, old, plane and necessarily fuckable. I didn’t like him, not in a sexual way, anyway. He had a ‘dépravé’ look, a ‘je ne sais quoi’ magnetising my lubricious personality. The entourage was split: liked him or liked me. There was not such a context of compatibility to include both… beside he was fucking the same girl I liked. So we were rivals.

I like to talk a lot, about anything. But God and fucking Mary, mother of all unspoken sins, this man talked a lot! Mostly, about him. Sometimes, when he talked, I imagine he has a huge dick framed in his ego, and with his tongue spits out ‘handwords’ until his personality ejaculates. I usually got bored listening, and drink much faster than anyone else. I know he observed that, because, thinking that I am drunk, he would touch me more often, believing he said something that amused me. Because of his manner to get into my private space, I once whispered into his ear that he won’t get my knickers off like Chris Angel Mindfreak walks on water – he needs better lies. He used this in his advantage:’Sheila said she’s not wearing underwear tonight, so I don’t need much effort’. ‘You won’t’ I said. ‘The amount of shite you talk would either get me asleep or drunk, even an ugly cunt can take advantage of that.’

The Dominator

He was fucking hardcore with my brain for the last 4 years, and not that I enjoyed it, but I didn’t feel it for way too long time. I was busy not living. Then I was busy, planning to run away. But where? When the fucker beats the shit out of you, friends, family and society, they are all petting you. When the fucker gives you oral, with the hand in your throat and sweet words for outsiders – then running is not an option. You have to fight the war with dominator’s weapons, and convince yourself from time to time, that is not imaginary.

When I met Ecio, I was underage and stupidly thinking I am smart. I wasn’t interested in anything that would invade my privacy, study time and the totally dissolute life I was living. I still enjoyed my time with Katy, a very close old friend, who’s family blamed me for transforming her in a ‘trampy’ teenage. We both flunked boring classes, such as art (I could only draw obscenities and send them around classmates for fun), and get drunk with cheap liqueurs and then die for few hours.

‘Are we alcoholics?’ she asked sometimes, throwing up pieces of last food from her stomach.

‘Yes’, I would tease her. ‘We will die poor, alcoholics and virgins! No we will not… I will actually buy a plastic dick and taste you… so we will only die poor and alcoholics’.

‘You disgusting bitch, stop talking gibberish!’

‘Well, you asked, this is my vision… tututut!’