I’ll make her mine

I saw her twice and liked her voice,

This woman broke my knees and chance,

I hope at least, I dream to live,

This sorrow sinful dark romance!

 

She didn’t tell me yes or no,

Nor she avoids my begging lips,

I’ve been her friend since years ago,

I’ve been her guilty pleasure sins.

 

This married woman chained my heart,

She neither takes or let me go!

I have her body, lust of art,

I wish I’d have her velvet soul!

 

Tonight I’ll see her once again,

I swear I’ll kiss her for last time

I’ll put a bullet in her brain,

To make her mine. I’ll make her mine!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Love in the time of mania IV

I choose the stairs, to make the hunt longer, but somehow Hector was behind me sooner than I expected. The silence… oh the silence of our steps on those exquisite stairs made the chase  terrifying. I was counting my steps, and that was hard, hard to distinguish between the tick-tack of the time and my heartbeat. ‘Why is he so quiet? Should I say anything? No, no… shut up brain, close your eyes, hold your breath, the faint will be more rewarding!’

He took my hand, from behind: ‘Stop, why are you running?’

‘I am not, I… I’

Of course I replied to his kiss, and between second and third floor, the light of the Waterford crystal chandeliers flooded over us with a warm touch.

‘I have never been so anxious in my life… Oh, I have been, at my prom speech, but that was because my dress was ridiculous and I never wear dresses!’

I woke up very early, reached for my phone 33% battery. ‘Shit, I must charge it!’ But then I changed my mind. ‘I don’t need it. Who will I call?’ I didn’t want to call Katy, cos she’s too soft and Ecio will insist to find everything she knows. ‘Is Ecio already looking for me?’

A hand moved over my breast and cut off on my morning thoughts.

‘Sheila, I don’t want you to leave!’

‘Why are you saying this?’

‘Because I have a queer feeling about you. Where are you planning to run?’

I didn’t reply. We had sex instead.

Love in the time of mania III

He never meant to, but in my mind I constantly felt like a stupid doll, there in front of Hector, a quite respectable man I was a runaway immature girl watching his lips talking about history of Gresham. The move was erotic and I was on a high mood.

‘Thomas Gresham, the founder of the hotel, was an abandoned child’ he whispered, almost like trying not to break my silence.

‘Who? I came from my far away thoughts, sipping from my wine.

‘Gresham, the businessman who set up this historic building where at 7:30 pm I am enjoying quite a good time with this blue eyed mysterious…girl!?’

‘Girl!?’

‘Woman?’

‘Oh dear…don’t worry, after midnight I will not reveal a cock under my pants. Yeah, I am a woman, almost!’ I replied with a smug face.

‘Ha, ha, ha! that’s not the point. Tell me, is a woman like you single?’

I didn’t let my expression change, I just couldn’t risk it. I moved my chair closer, I closed my eyed, I mechanically started to kiss him and like a fool, I tried to stay awake, I tried to be cerebral, but he touched my face, he danced my dance, and I was drunk, ‘danger drunk’.

I asked what floor is his room and he handed me the magnetic card, hypnotized, a shy whisper: ‘Third floor, I will follow you!’

 

 

Love in the time of mania II

Did you ever try to stop millions of thoughts in your mind and miserably failed? I was here, finally with myself, in this dirty bus. I would have killed for a silly conversation with anyone, even with that lost and wasted junkie watching between empty spaces. Was he even thinking at anything? Damn, this route is a long 30 minutes, but I already feel like I left home in my previous avatar life. Why did I called it home? Maybe because I only have clothes for like 3 days?  What will I do after… such an immature decision! But just before I started to have even more negative thoughts the bus stopped and I found myself in Grand Central looking for a tall gentleman with a travelling trolley. He was there checking on his phone and for the first time I found his grey hair very attractive. I stopped for few seconds to analyse him from far – impeccable fashionable clothes, calculated gestures, he gently waved a hand for the waitress, and I felt he’s coming from a Victorian time. Then he saw me.
‘Hi Hector, I didn’t know if it’s you, so casual! I thought you were born in a suit. Cool jeans!’
‘Oh, I was, but I put some jeans on top of it, so I feel more like your age, than your grandpa!’ He followed my sarcastic exchange of compliments game. ‘What do you drink?’
‘Telling with ice!’
‘Hmm, plain whiskey, baby got some wild plans?’
‘I’m just gonna pretend I didn’t hear, because it just washed my image of you being from a different century! Are you for long in Dublin?’ I changed the topic.
‘Just tonight, I am flying to London tomorrow evening. But plenty of time to spend some time, to get to know you a little more.’
I couldn’t hold back and I burst in laugh.
‘Know me? Seriously? You see me second time in your life! You can’t get to know me so easy. Plus, it’s already 6pm!’
‘Are you not staying with me until tomorrow?’
‘Yes, if you get me in London after!’
‘Are you serious?’
‘I am, but you wouldn’t take a stranger in London, so unpredictable’. I tried my reversed psychology and manipulation skills, but he was an intelligent man!
‘Well, you are already here, you need to explain me the “complicated thing” from your message, plus I see you are carrying a backpack. Girls don’t just go to dates with a backpack nowadays… I can’t be that old!’
‘Oh, are we on a date? I smiled’ ‘Can we not just enjoy this evening, it’s getting too interrogative and I might just runaway?’
Hector took my hand, I was nervous and sweaty, and I didn’t want to tell him my plan, nor give too much details about me.
‘Sheila, it’s OK. You can talk when you want. I have a room in Gresham, let’s have some proper dinner and I will get you to a trip in London tomorrow.’
He offered me his arm, and we disappeared in the pouring rain, under his umbrella, like an old couple, where passion was a memory, but a respectful love story was in the air.

Love in time of mania

It felt like we were a lifetime together, and my love for Ecio has always been feeble. That’s because I couldn’t breath, my step was his step, my hobbies were his hobbies and vice versa, my time was our time, my privacy… Well it wasn’t any privacy!

Love is like an onion – the more you cut through its flesh, the more tears you shed, the more tears you shed, the more immune you become, the more immune you become, the less you care, the less you care, the less you love! This cycle is irreversible, I was convinced. Sure, there are tricks to stop the tears, even if you cut through – you can manage to grow and shred a tasteless onion, in a safety blanket. Sometimes keeping the knife in cold water helps – which I associate with never falling in love.

Ecio would constantly make sure I managed to wake up every day, go to college, make sure I safely left last meeting with colleagues and such and so. He was so compulsive that Katy would feel he’s checking on her too, and Katy was always a bad liar. He would check online activity, bill phone, time I’m spending with door close in the study room, time I spend in the toilet, time it takes me to travel from college to home, from Katy to home… Basically from everyfuckinwhere to home. I had a mobile tracker, so almost always I made sure I forget the phone at home. I would delete all my online activity, messages, e-mails, conversations and had a second mobile in my locker in college. I was so paranoid than when I was greeting someone I’d watch over my shoulder convinced someone is watching.

So, this time, I carefully planned my escape, left the letter to Ecio with his dinner (hoping he would not choke) and told nothing to anyone, even if initially I planned to involve Katy.

I got clothes for three days, cash from my safe box, two bottles from Ecio’s collection, my spare ‘safe’ mobile and my fake ID (my God, so long I was waiting to use it).

Today, 30th of November, 2012 – Zaza Connolly is born.

‘Hi Hector, I’ll be down to The Grand Central in about an hour. Meet me there!’

 

To Ecio

‘I don’t know how to start this letter, and should be so easy, to say things to the person you open to four years ago. But it is not! Not when you care, not when your mind and heart disagree, not when pieces from you regenerate in new memories that seems to belong to a different Sheila. Are all these my thoughts? Will I have them tomorrow, or they will just disappear in some glass of wine, in some new college projects or perhaps after midnight sex?

What have we become? I’m trying to answer this question for so long. I am trying to convince myself that I don’t hate us or you, but I do. I hate the calmness in your voice, and how you change my mind. I hate your presence everywhere in my life, in my underwear, in my heart and brain and lap. When did you end up be so into my space! MY SPACE! Is it anything in this place mine? Is my left arm mine? Sometimes I feel that you own even the ghosts in this house.

I need some time. Please don’t try to contact me! I will be with myself for a while. Do not interrogate my friends, family or Katy. Nobody knows anything!

With patience lost,

Sheila’

Lust

 

‘Hector Springville’ added you on Facebook

Accept/ Ignore

You have one new message

 

‘My dear Sheila,

I might have left some promises, but I didn’t take safety measures to make sure I will be able to contact you again. So I did little investigation in your college (I really hope you don’t mind), and here I am. I actually don’t really use social media, as you can see on my profile, but I understood it could be the only way to see you again and take you out for a proper introduction, since I am fully aware I might have scared you (fully reasonable and understandable). So my dear big sad eyes (yes, it is noticeable) are you free some Saturday evening?

With care and hope,

Hector’

 

You are now friend with Hector.’

Sheila is now online

‘Hey… your message it’s hilarious. Sounds so vintage!

By the way – no woman is ever free! 🙂 🙂 🙂

I am free, after I feed my five kids, three dragons and I drug my abusive husband so he doesn’t hear when I runaway!

Nah…I am only messing. Could be a little complicated, but what Saturday?’

 

Hector is typing…

‘Why complicated?’

 

Sheila is typing…

 

‘I will tell you some other day, let me know place and time, I will see you there!’

Sheila is now offline

 

‘Sheila, are you completely out of your mind? We are not teenagers anymore… I can’t just tell Ecio you are over to my place! What if he’s coming over? What will I tell him? No… I am not doing that, I can’t. What if this man is a nutty serial killer? How will I live with this lie?’

‘Please Katy! You only asked me few days ago, why I am staying if I am unhappy! You have to let me take this chance! I will talk to Ecio before, he will not call into your place. I promise!’

‘Fine, I will cover you! Once! Then you talk to him openly, you must promise me!’

‘Katy, you know I hate promises!’

‘You promise, or I don’t cover you!’

‘Jizz… not only your clothes are so grandma nowadays but your thinking too! I cross my heart and hope I don’t die!’

‘Bitch, you are going to kill me one day, with your troubles!’

‘Hopefully I will start with me!’

 

This was the day when my life took a three sixty turnaround! In my mind and soul was the wind of rebellion, even if I didn’t have a clue what was I getting into. Was I planning to tell Ecio I need a temporary break? Was I planning to tell him I just want to spend some time with Katy? Was I planning to totally lie to him and tell him Katy needs help in a college project, and we wanted some quiet time, and then will be too late for me to come home, and I didn’t want to disturb his sleep to pick me up? Yes… I chose the biggest lie… Katy needed my help for an urgent assignment!

‘But Sheila, why doesn’t she come over, as usual? You never go anywhere overnight, on your own’ Ecio tried to convince me with his usual bullshit, that our house is more comfortable, and the internet is better and grass is greener.

‘But Ecio, we just don’t want for this time. We will be fine over there.’

‘Ok, what time you finish?’

‘I don’t know! That’s the thing. Probably not early, because she didn’t start anything on it… it will be some time with documentation, most likely very late.’

‘Yeah, but roughly? I can pick you up, I don’t mind!’

‘Here we start again! I don’t need you to pick me up, just leave me fucking alone!’ I found myself raging to Ecio, trying not to let tears come  out, because this was his weapon – I am sick, I must stay in and be taken care off.

Katy

After ‘Hector episode’ I was sick for days. Even Katy couldn’t take me out of that mood, haunting me since childhood.

‘Was he that handsome?’ she tried to investigate the gravity.

‘He was alright. He asked me to go for dinner, but he never asked for my number, nor my surname, and as usual, neither did I. So, stop worrying, we will never see each other again. He works in England.’ I tried to avoid and close the ‘Hector’ subject.

‘Sheila, why are you still in this house, if you are unhappy?’

‘I hate when you start this. Why are you still eating ice-cream, if you hate being fat? Why are you still living, if you are going to die? WHY WHY WHY? Do you really think everything we do with our life has a logical explanation? Do you really think, I don’t have feelings? I do. Mostly of hate. I hate Ecio, I hate his prison, I hate he can control my mind, I hate he can still make me love him. So I will let him love me until I will destroy him!’

‘Sheila, let’s go for a walk! You need fresh air! Said Katy, realizing she made a goof, but I started to cry. I cried until I fell asleep in Katy’s lap.

I woke up five hours later, Katy was making tea. There was a deep silence and darkness in the room, so I jumped out of the sofa.

‘Damn, you scared me!’ said Katy, with a lost expression.

‘Do I look that bad?’

‘You are so vain Sheila! No, you don’t look bad, you just suddenly came alive and walking and I purely didn’t expect that!’

I gave up listening to the sense of Katy’s words. She was so beautiful, with her worried big eyes, with her silky lips moving. I loved her naturally red plump lips but hated her old fashion clothing. Her boho maroon dresses and her green cardigans were from my grand-grandmother era. She didn’t care! All for the comfort of cotton and silk. What I liked though, was her old fashion cotton undies, white and soft and the fact she would always wear a no sponge sport bra. Intimately she was so boyish, exactly the opposite of my usual lace trampy underwear, hosiery and suspender belts, under my usual jeans and t-shirts, because I was too lazy to iron anything and because Ecio would put too many questions if I would attempt to go out too sexy.

‘Katy, stay with me tonight! Please…like old days! Movies? Popcorn? Some cheap wine?’

‘Sheila, you need to rest, and no alcohol, you are still drugged!’

‘Pleaseeee!’

‘But…’

‘Pleaseeeee!’

‘Ugh, you manipulative lil’ bitch!’

‘I knew it!’

I can’t remember what exactly we did watch, except the wine and the flavor of her skin… I missed to give love without being questioned, without having a man curious eyes like magnifying glasses all over me looking for weaknesses, looking for faults and imperfections, looking to own me. Close after midnight, Ecio came home, he slept in the study room, because the bed was full of white love, there was no space for a dark man!

Maniac Episode (Hector continued)

‘For a second I thought you will even kiss my hand…such manners I only read in  Jane’s Austen books’ I broke the ice, as I felt the few seconds of silence are embarrassing and time relativity might kick  in.

He didn’t reply, but instead, he reached for my hand over the table and kissed it, and naturally enough I started to feel a heat through my spine and feel my face turning red. He didn’t hold the moment long and asked:

‘So, how was your day Sheila?’

‘Disaster, but I hope the sunset will turn the table. I have some faith, after all I missed the classes, first bus, bumped into a sociopath that followed me, almost got kicked out of this place, it can’t get worst, isn’t?’

‘I don’t make promises, but this time I promise I will make your day better than it started. Wine?’

‘For start, please don’t promise anything. I killed all guys that failed to keep their promises! And no thanks, wine might reveal too much, too soon!’  I could see Hector’s pupils growing in icy-glowing moons, staring at me, and I couldn’t read if I just freaked him out or he was sort of amused, so I continued: ‘Sure, I’m only messing, I didn’t kill anyone!’

‘I almost believed you!’ he calmly smiled.

‘Yet!’ I completed.

‘You can’t refuse a glass of ‘Screaming Eagle – this wine is your age’ he insisted pouring this rich purple Merlot in 2 glasses.

‘It is actually younger, this wine is a cult, but Merlot variety was only planted in 1995 in Napa Valley – I am not that young!’ I showed off with my knowledge, without mentioning that my beloved partner liked to buy collection wines, which would end up in my glass, while I was googling the price to see how annoyed will that make him.

‘Impressive!’

Hector raised the glass for toast, and I didn’t think too much, answered his invitation and tasted from this wine accepting a lure into a world that was far from my dreams. I shortly thought that he is managing to manipulate my will, a feeling that wasn’t strange for me, yet, I couldn’t stop. I was fully conscious that this is where my relationship with Ecio was wrong – I let him think that he knew what I wanted, that he could run his fingers through my brain and let them pick up my thoughts. He was a thousand per cent sure he knew me and that he had me forever, but a man doesn’t know his woman, until he knows what she’s hiding from him. Ecio was far from that!

‘What are you thinking at? Hector interrupted my imaginary monologue. I lied saying that the wine is as expected and I would love another glass, but I need to go home, as I might end up missing all buses.

‘Let’s have dinner first, you must be hungry after this long day!’

‘I need to go, maybe with another occasion?’ I insisted to keep my idea (even if it wasn’t what I necessarily wanted), and grabbed my jacket.

‘Ok, but promise I will see you again? Maybe a proper dinner in a Saturday – you choose a place where, perhaps a place in your comfort zone?’

‘Yes!’ I stuttered looking for the exit, but Hector got closed, I could feel his skin odor, I closed my eyes and he pulled me close.

‘Let me kiss you for goodbye!’

And I didn’t react, didn’t gesticulate any gesture of rejection, I lived that second with my voice fainted, I let this stranger man to touch my lips, I answered his kiss without remorse and left without saying goodbye.

Ecio was waiting with dinner, almost cold, almost angry, but as soon as I got the door I asked him if he has any bottles of Californian Screaming Eagle. He didn’t answer, but I went into his little winery place, grabbed that bottle and poured two full glasses. We drank that bottle and we had sex for good few hours. In my mind, I was in Hector’s bed, of course, and after so long time, I had emotions.

The following day Ecio got home with few bottles of that wine.

‘Poor bastard! I told myself… he wants more!

Maniac episode (Hector – continued)

I would lie to say that I had a second thought when I finished the class that evening! I didn’t! In fact I was overwhelmed by excitement and happiness, feelings that I was sure were dead for me. I thrown my books in the locker, checked my hair in a pocket mirror, added some fruity disgusting lip balm and obviously my favorite Moschino perfume but then I reminded myself that it’s only a coffee, so I better hurry to get the bus back home in time.

Dublin in October is like a woman with mid-life crisis: warm but will slap you with an icy breeze almost unexpectedly, for only to start crying in showers after! But the life on the streets is colorful and the drunk people in the dark makes you think that this is the only way to bear life with such a moody weather. I felt cold, so I started walk faster, and when I got in front of the hotel’s restaurant I looked like one of those charity workers, wasted and ready to beg.

I saw Hector waiting at one of the tables, so I wanted to skip the waiter and go straight in, but I got pushed back by a man in his fifties, dressed to the nines, who weighted me in a blink… And I swear I saw price tags coming from his eyes straight into my neck.

I chocked when he asked:

“May I help you, young lady? Do you have a reservation?”

I started to giggle and replied:

“I have a unicorn reservation, will you help me feed them?”

My voice turned Hector’s attention straight away, probably recognising the voice or my ruthless humor.

“She has reservation, with me!” he said, saving the situation in time, before getting  kicked out from this fancy city center luxurious oasis.

“Sir, I beg your pardon, should I get you the menu list or just drinks for starter?” the waiter’s voice changed to a milder hospitable one.

Hector helped me in a very “Englishman way” to take my coat off and sit down, which made me think straightaway: “Is he fattening the chicken before sacrifice?” and I smiled at this thought.